After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I
married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:  "Husband wanted".  Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found
a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from
me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still  paying."

Young Son:  Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad:  That happens in every country, son.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah???  Well, if you'd learn how to
make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

How do most men define marriage?  A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by:  Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:  "You're  lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.