########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, "How old are you?" Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones(pronounced co ho' nays), senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bulls who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" "Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha." "Then, where are you?" "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!" ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day everyone felt ready... The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decides that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had on person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat - to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is politics, Dad?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid, The Working Class, and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand, son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored, and the Future is full of shit." ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## Q: Why can a lawyer swim among sharks without getting attacked? A: This is professonial courtesy, of course! ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see." answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see." answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place. So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## One fine day in Ireland, a man is out golfing, and gets up tp the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for the ball, and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying beside him. "Goodness", says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square, you did. I am a leprechaun, and, having been so captured, will grant ye three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you-- I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly". With that, he turns and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself: "Well, he was a nice enough fellow, and catch me he did, so I'll be doing something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: unlimited wealth, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by, and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course, at the same hole, when his shot goes off into te same woods. Looking for his ball, he comes across the same little man in the same place, with the golf ball right beside him, and so inquires of the little man how he is doing. "I'm fine", the leprechaun says. "And how, might I be askin', is your game of golf?" "It's great!" replies the man. "I hit under par every time!" Says the leprechaun: "I did that for ye. And how, could I be inquirin', goes yer finances?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill!" To this, the leprechaun, grinning, says, "I did that for ye as well. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored, and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!? Is that all, man?" "Well," says the man, "that's really not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish". ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ########################################################################## An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to make a perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch the damned thing!" ########################################################################## Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor Humor ##########################################################################