Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all. -- Forestry expert and former U.S. President Ronald Reagan The Internet is a great way to get on the net. -- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole It is bad luck to be superstitious. --Andrew Mathis I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. -- Richard M. Nixon When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. -- Everett Dirksen I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ****************** Texas politicians: ****************** In Texas, we're proud to have the best politicians that money can buy. For your delight and edification, here are some fine quips and quotes from some of our most notable politicians. The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians: 1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury 2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson 3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs 5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." A. C. Greene 6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again 7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish 8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced. 9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal. 10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies 12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen" Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing 14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded 15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote 16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 12. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon. 23. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg