SOME ADS FOUND IN THE LOCAL NEWSPAPERS: 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. funny signs: ************ * On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van-Cincinnati area "A flush beats a full house!" * This is what is on a sign at a little restaurant. "Eat here or we'll both starve" - Christine M. Kumiega * Ohio Road Sign Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi * Advertisement for a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak". * In the bathroom of a mom and pop store "we aim to please, so, please, you aim too." * Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI: PUSH, if it doesn't open, PULL, if it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED. * On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted." * Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. * Found in a restaurant in England: Guys: No shirt, No service Girls: No shirt, No charge * Sign over a Gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." * On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." * On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." * Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." * At a Tire shop: "Invite us to your next blowout." * Door of a Plastic Surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" * At a Laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" * At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." * On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." * In a Non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." * On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." * In a Non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." * On a Maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." * At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." * On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." * In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." * On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." * At a Car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." * Outside a Muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." * In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" * At the Electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you sent in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." * In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." * In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We can wait." * And there is a radiator repair shop that proclaims "Its a great place to take a leak."